Documentary Film: Planet Lockdown

Documentary Film: Planet Lockdown

Dr. Rashid Buttar - THE REAL BATTLE IS NOT THE VIRUS: How the Coronavirus Agenda is Eroding Our Civil Liberties - Digital Freedom Platform

Dr. Rashid Buttar - THE REAL BATTLE IS NOT THE VIRUS: How the Coronavirus Agenda is Eroding Our Civil Liberties - Digital Freedom Platform: Making his third appearance on the Digital Freedom Platform, Dr. Rashid Buttar is an American physician and author with over 30 years experience...

AGEISM

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I love the theme for this New Year, Roaring into the '20s. It speaks for itself as we began the New Year here on the Lower Mainland, B.C., with our first snowfall. I was impressed by how quickly the city sent snow plows out to clear the streets. I began this year mostly alone, sorting out a lot of those sticky emotions that are just there and get ignored as I go through my day. I realize how comfortable it is just to let the feeling pass, as I get busy doing something or nothing in particular, especially as I age.

But I then I had an epiphany, and realized that aging means that I no longer should be dealing with any emotions of insecurity, regret, disappointment, or guilt; none of those negating feelings were acceptable anymore. I have decades of experience to tap into, and that should be enough to absolve myself of any wrong feelings that I may have learned to hold on to. No matter what occurred in my life, I must stand up and be who I am today. My past taught me to be more than I was back then, and that is who I must be in the world today, the me that survived all of my past.

I recently watched this great show on ageism, Frankie and Grace, starring Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda, and it brought so many issues up in my face. I realized how easy it is to use age as a cop-out for so many things. Aging is not about giving up; it's about standing up. Being blessed with age, and with your full capacities, makes you a blessing to be shared with everyone in your environment. Some of the younger generations may tend to become condescending in their ways of thinking they know more than we do because we are old. Some of us may get pushed aside because we allow the attitude of the young to break us down and put us in our place. Being old does not mean climbing into a box and hiding. Many indigenous cultures honor the Elders blessed with the wisdom that comes with age. They hold a special place in their society, and their knowledge is highly valued.

I am fortunate to be able to volunteer at Kennedy Seniors Recreation Centre in Delta B.C... I have come to realize just how much I appreciate aging as I witness seniors in different stages of aging being out in the community, maintaining their health and lifestyle with such vigor and joy. There is a dinner and dance celebration at least once a month, and the turnout is incredible. I realize that places like this are worth their weight in gold with all the knowledge accumulated here. The elderly may be pushed aside in society, but some of us are uniting to live a better quality of life in this stage of our lives.

Being active as we age allows our minds to stay sharp. Now is not the time to give up on our dreams because we now have the wisdom and patience to move ahead in our lives if we so choose. We will always have a place in society as long as we do not give it up. We are still able to change the world if only with one person at a time. We all have at least one superpower to share, one gold coin that means something special to us and that someone needs us to share. We are valuable with decades of wisdom.

Knowledge is power, and we are powerhouses no matter what anyone else says or thinks of us. If we have made it this far in life, then we are heroes. If we have made it this far and have a legacy of children and grandchildren, then we are superheroes. The world will appreciate us as much as we honor, respect, and enjoy ourselves. I always see myself as a bottle of fine wine, slowly aging in time to become more vibrant and fuller. I am akin to the image of the pregnant Goddess in history, which relates to Womyn in her fullness, filled with knowledge and wisdom: pregnant with life experiences.

The Ace in Your Life

It’s funny how one day you actually get that life can really be played like a game. I was sitting at the computer playing a game of “Free Cell” and I had to laugh at myself as I figured it out once again that the only way to win was to have a plan. Step one was to look at the whole board and find my starting point which was the Aces. Then I had to be able to create empty spaces where I could place runs (4, 3, 2, 1, etc) to move the cards around to reveal the Aces, two’s, three’s, etc. So I created this formula or plan around the game which allows me to win most of the time. But sometimes I get to the point where a message comes up and tells me there are no more available moves left and if I wish I can undo all my moves and start over or quit and play another game.

Now this is when the plan comes in handy, because if I have just haphazardly began making moves I never remember which move led me to a dead end. Now I have the choice to undo the whole game and play again or if I had a plan I simply go back to the move that brought me to the message and play with more awareness so I do not make the same wrong move. By more awareness, I mean keeping an eye on the board and making sure that every move I make leads to another move or an open space that acts like a door to new choices. Sometimes I walk away and focus my attention on other things before continuing and this gives me a fresher perspective. My other option is that I can choose to quit altogether and start a new game and a new plan.

This is what we do in life if we wish to be successful in reaching our dreams and desires, we create a plan. The trick is having a plan that works because sometimes we may eagerly start off but maybe we have not put the right intention into our plan. It could be that we have to unwind a little of our past in order to find the Ace, or the first step so everything falls into place. Unwinding our lives is not always easy as clicking a mouse or icon on the computer but it will give us the same opportunity to start over again and follow the plan which we may have to amend a bit to make it work. Unwinding is also a great way to open up new doors in our lives.

Sometimes we know deep inside what we need to do but have no idea how to make the first move. This is when we must open ourselves up to reaching out to someone who can give us the guidance we need to move forward. You never know what will happen once you open up, either you seek out help or Majikally someone or something appears with the answer to your request. Remember there are no coincidences so use these moments to jump into opportunities. Did I mention that I have a ninety-five percent winning average on playing just over five hundred games? (It’s my old computer from 2002) Now the challenge is to apply it to my life.

Straighten Up - Fly Right - Unwinding Abuse

It is a weak man who stands up in a Womyn's face when she is confronted by another Womyn. If a Womyn does not have the strength to deal with what she puts out then she really should not make herself appear weaker by having her man getting involved in the situation. This tells me that she may be the victim of this type of treatment herself so she does not see the wrongness of it. Womyn especially those who are close and/or family need to lean to resolve there differences with each other as this usually brings them closer eventually, either to each other or with themselves. It may be inner issues related to Self that is healed in order to resolve disputes between them.

I know that the Womyn in my family and extended family often disagree with each other but we keep that between us “girls”. We do not need the men in our lives to speak for us and put them self in jeopardy by jumping into the middle of a situation. I have to say the men in our lives quickly learn that when the Womyn fight and if you chose to get in the middle you might be the one getting hurt. I personally would have no qualms in calling the police if I saw any of the men physically hurting another Womyn. Men are usually built to have more physical strength than we do so if they wish to engage physically they either need to find another man or go to the gym and knock themselves out, or just walk away because they know they are wrong every-time.

If there is a man in your life who pushes you around, physically or emotionally or manipulates you with emotional issues then I tell you straight up, he is wrong every-time. There is no place in anyone's life where this is right or even acceptable. None of us deserve this type of treatment from anyone in any way, shape or form. So at this point if this creates a reaction in you then maybe the proceeding statements will also (not applicable to every situation) ring some truth.

You may be attracting this energy into your life. The only way this is happening is because at some time you gave permission to this individual to communicate in this manner. It may be that you did not have the communication skills necessary to “nip it in the bud”, from the beginning and you thus became a victim of the circumstances. If you feel like a victim then I suggest you deal with that immediately. Do whatever you need to stop having these emotions. Go see a professional or demand that your “stalker” either stop go see someone to help with their issues. Tell someone about it right in front of your offender. Use your voice. If you do not feel safe to do this then you are in a situation that you may need to remove yourself from immediately.

Relationships are a lot about communicate and healthy communication is essential. Healthy emotions are required in order to have healthy communication. It is impossible to have a fruitful conversation when all you are doing is throwing unhealthy emotions back and forth and expecting the other person to be responsible for them. You are the Priestess in your Temple and it is your responsibility to care and nurture your emotions to a vibration that will attract like energy. Relationships that are “glued” together because of not wanting to upset the other by saying or doing the wrong thing are straight up wrong in so many ways.

My point is that if you are going to do a long term relationship than we should honour ourselves by at least doing it right. That actually is the trick to it. Honour thyself at all times. No one is going to show us the respect that we feel we deserve if at some level we actually feel that we do not deserve it. Holding on to emotions of fear and feeling like a victim will be the energy that we are putting out no matter what level we are feeling it. Hiding or denying how we feel will not change that energy. It is all you and it is what the Universe is receiving from you and returning to you because it is the frequency that you are broadcasting. Let go of the inner victim. Do the work necessary to accomplish this and you will change your life. When you feel like a victim you usually also feel as though you do not have full control of your life and this can spill over into other areas of your life, such as your finances, or your children. Your truly are what you believe so please work on believing that you are truly amazing and able to accomplish all of your intentions with the will of the Creator. You are too beautiful to be abused or misused in any way and you deserve the respect and love of all those around you. Even your disagreements should result in bringing more love into your life. When we choose to learn to love ourselves unconditionally then we are ready to create the best life possible.

Dysable the Enabler

Unfortunately today addictions of many kind are common in society. There must be many of us who are exposed to loved ones and friends dealing with addictions and maybe at one time we may have had our own story to tell. For some reason society has managed to create a need for drugs that is being filled and creating so many problems. We have fear now over drugs that kill as well as the "usual" fears around drug abuse. Being there as a support for others trying to conquer addiction is a place we may find our self in at some point in our lives. Unfortunately not everyone believes in rehabilitation centres so there have to be alternate paths to healing. We may make ourselves available to help someone but if we are not a drug counsellor or if we have not had the life experience our self we may have to be careful about how much help we can actually offer. When we try to help a family member, we could run into all types of unexpected problems because we may be just too close to the situation to see what is going on and what is truly needed. We may find ourselves trying to help someone with their drug issues and maybe we come to realize that we are not really helping at all. There is such a thin line between helping and enabling so it is a sticky, tricky path to walk. If you have someone who actually is being successful in overcoming drugs that you are helping, there is that chance that they may begin to see you as their Savior and that is a shaky path to walk upon.

When we choose to idolize another, we dig a hole for our self which is really hard to climb out of while we see another as our reason for being happy. I am not saying that you don't need someone who can help but when you become so attached to that other that you begin to idolize them, then there may by trouble ahead. If something happens where this person is no longer in your life, what will you do, how will you cope. Will life be worth living? The problem will continue to exist until you learn to recognize the Creator within you. You must learn to see the good within you that creates and manifests all that is in your life. Giving everything you are to another will eventually make you feel less, and brings about insecurities and doubts that you can actually be and do you on your own. Not only for you but for the one you choose to give your power away to. No one can live up to being put on a pedestal unless they truly are egotistical. It feels so good when someone recognizes the good within us and compliments us and thanks us but to constantly have to live up to the image of being "the great one" who fixes everything and everyone can bite deeply into ones self esteem as we try hard to live up to the image and think we have to continue to fix everything. It is so much easier at least for me when I give it back to the person by acknowledging that they are the ones that chose to heal and move forward in their life and they are the one doing the work to better their lives.

One way to bypass this dilemma of becoming an enabler is when your worshipper is giving you thanks for once again fixing them, to somehow mention the Creator, or God or the Goddess, whatever Higher Power that you and/or they believe in. Pass the thanks in that direction and encourage the other to give thanks to their Source. Connecting with our Source, our Higher Power is a healthy way of letting go of any addictive problem whether it be mental, physical, or spiritual. Give them back their power in some way and let them know that it is with the guidance of the Creator that their healing was made possible. Encourage them to have faith and to believe in not only themselves but the power of the Universe to provide them with what they need at any given time.

Embracing the Divine within is being able to see and feel the light within us, that place where creativity and goodness exists, that place of healing. When we connect with and hold on to that feeling we experience the true love that we have for our self and are able to share this with those around us. This is where self hatred and fear melts away, where we can find that familiar place within that we call home. So just try to make it a daily practise to give thanks to the Creator for your life and your dreams, passions and that which make up your daily routine and each day you will feel more satisfied, more fulfilled with this gratitude.

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The Power of Silence

“The silence was so thick I could cut it with a knife.” This is the thought running through my mind as I focus on silence. I have been working towards silence for the past 6 months. Today is January 1, 2019 and I participated in the most uplifting medication on my quest towards inner silence. The one thing that I had become comfortable with while living on the Sunshine Coast was inner peace, or so I thought at the time. Upon arriving and living in the city I found it difficult to find that level of inner peace so obviously it was just a quick fix that I had discovered, like a bandage on a cut. For some time before now while seeking inner peace I reached for silence and could actually feel it around me as I reached out for it, but it always felt a bit heavy. Today when meditating I decided to lighten up the energy of silence and realized the heaviness that I experienced was actually the weight of my thoughts and emotions but the silence itself was weightless. I focused on this weightlessness and felt thoughts and emotions slowly rising with it and with this in mind I focused more on the weightlessness. It was a very enlightening and powerful meditation and is now going to be one of the biggest lessons I have to learn. Now in order to maintain and accomplish my goal, I have to constantly let go and lighten up my thoughts and emotions to hold the bit of space I managed to surrender to with my hour meditation.

Every lesson is a struggle at first, but with resilience and the will to carry on, I eventually will reach my goals. Walking the Path of the Goddess is not always an easy one but I love where it leads me on this journey. Every choice I make is about being more connected to Source, about being empowered and holding this energy out in the world to attract and show others walking and seeking the Path. Many do not know what it is they seek but most of us are searching for personal power. We all want to feel that we have control of our life, our environment and I have discovered that the only way to have control is to not try so hard to be in control. The best way to do this is to learn how to have a strong sense of how our environment is flowing and become a part of that flow. Once we manage how to flow with our environment, our thoughts and desires will manage what and who flows towards us: The Law of Attraction.

I believe that when I truly reach a comfortable place of inner silence, one that I can hold without struggle, I will become a more powerful tool for the Law of Attraction because my thoughts will be more pure in form without all the clutter and unconscious motives feeding them. In the world today there are a lot of young motivational keynote speakers encouraging us to have a daily routine set up to manifest our goals into fruition. Some of them are so young and so full of energy and so wise and eager to share and I enjoy listening to them and remember when I was so young and so enthusiastic. I agree with some of what they are all saying and I look forward to seeing them mature and become who I see them becoming. I believe the world has a huge opportunity to be a better place because of them.

My style of personal empowerment is based upon a very spiritual foundation. I lean towards mentors like Deepak Chopra who shares information that I can relate to and sometimes I feel as though he has put into words what I have been sharing with people around me but he seems to express it with a deeper meaning for me. I believe that I am a “soul healer” and when I connect with people for readings and sessions I connect on a soul level. This is not always where people think they want to go because it’s not about all the “frills” in their lives, romance, finances, career, but about the fore-mentioned and also of others in direct relationships, barriers to their spiritual growth and paths to follow. When I feel resistance from them I find that place of quiet within me and I use my words to bring them to a place where they can listen as I weave the story for them that they came to hear and maybe did not really know. Everyone truly wants to hear the truth although they may be afraid of what that truth is. Sometimes when they express their fears I simply ask them “are you doing such terrible things in your life that you have to fear what I have to tell you?” No one has yet answered yes to that question. It’s the fear of the unknown, the fear of success and failure, the fear of lack that we may throw out in front of us when we think of our future that scares us. When we focus on believing in who we are and the power of the Universe, God/Goddess, Jesus, Ancestors, however we connect with our Higher Source and continue to reach for the tools we need to move forward on our journey we no longer have to hold on to fear if we use the tools on a daily basis.

Every day is a new beginning for us on our spiritual journey in life. Every day offers lessons, gifts, rewards and opportunities if we are open to them and especially if we stop making up scary stories about what lies ahead. I am using Silence as a tool to connect with the better part of me, you can use your own methods, meditations, prayers, yoga, whatever takes you inward to a place of peace to begin your day. From this place you can manifest whatever your heart’s desire without all the fuss and clutter of the material world.

Addictions and Committment

Addictions/the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.: "he committed the theft to finance his drug addiction" "an addiction to gambling".
Commitment/the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.: "the company's commitment to quality".

This is a great time of the year to be observant of our addictions because it is most likely the one time of the year that we have such great excuses to indulge in them. It’s the holiday season, a time to celebrate, and overeat and overspend and forget about commitments we may have. How did the Holiday season, or Christmas become such a trap for our obsession with the material? How brainwashed have we become that we make the choices some of us may make. Like drinking and driving for instance. I sat in a karaoke bar the other night and had two guys almost attempt to force me to let them buy me a drink all night. I told them I had been drinking earlier before dinner and did not want to put any more alcohol in my body because I wanted to be able to drive home. At one time they both came at me together and one of them begged me to let him buy me a drink and the bartender stood back waiting for me to say yes. I sat choking on my words for a minute and thought of saying yes and not drinking the drink but I was in a bar and I am only human and I knew that I would be very tempted to finish the drink if it was in front of me. I know I scrunched up my face and shook my head and just replied ”No, I can’t, I really want to drive home”, and I ordered a cranberry and soda just to have something other than water in front of me. That seemed to ease their need to buy me a drink also. I watched at the end of the night as one of them who was very drunk got into his car and drove off and I wished I had convinced him to take a cab instead. I guess my commitment to healthy living outweighed the pressure put upon to drink and drive.

This is probably one of the biggest excuses we give ourselves for falling into our addictive pattern; Other people’s expectations that we join them in a “simple” drink, or puff, or toke, or taste of something and they will give us so many good reasons why we should. Also if we are shopaholics we tell ourselves that it makes us feel good to shop or we are just going to go out “window” shopping and not spend any money (yeah right). It could be gambling where we convince ourselves that the next one is the winner or maybe we believe we can do it just one more time and stop. This time of the year is great for food addicts because people are always wanting you to eat something and it is so easy to say “oh well its Christmas”, or “I’ll make a New Year’s resolution to go on a diet” (this is a good one for all addictions)

The only thing I can say is that life is about making a commitment to having a good life. No one is going to make your life that way you need it to be to make you happy. No one is to blame if your life is not going the way you want it to. No one but you is being hurt by your addictions, others may choose to suffer because you are not doing well but that would be their choice, you are still the one causing the pain for you. I am not a dedicated Christian but I believe in and love Jesus. Jesus was so committed to living his life connected to the Source, to the One God as it came to be known that he would not allow anyone to make him waver on his path. He believed so passionately in his connection that he was able to perform miracles. He had great faith which made him who he was. It is this same faith and commitment that we must find within ourselves in order to overcome the urges that we may have to fall into our old habits. We have to believe in something more powerful, wiser, and more loving than we are and have faith this Power, we can call God, or the Universe, or Higher Consciousness, or Buddha, or Goddess, whatever feels right, will guide us on our journey in life. I believe that it is this “Power” that is so loving when we allow ourselves to a part of it, that fills us with unconditional love of self and helps to remove the urges to be in need of material, mental, physical, or emotional satisfactions. When you fill your spirit with the power of Universal love you are no longer in need or in lack. This is when Majik can occur in your life.

So give yourself the gift of love this Holiday season and share this with all those around you and expect miracles to happen. Happy Holidays to you and please build a loving foundation to begin the next year with.

Majik - Letting Go of Labels

On numerous occasions, I have had people approach me and ask me to teach them how to do Majik. This appears to be such a simple request but so much is involved in it. I suggest books they can read and sometimes they are satisfied with this but recently someone explained to me that they just wanted to understand Majik and that left me stumped. He said that he was reading books on witchcraft and the basics of doing spells but he needed to understand what Majik is. For me, this was a challenge as I tried to think of someone to pass him on to while my “crew” (spirit guides and helpers) kept pushing on me to deal with it myself so here we are making an attempt to work together to explain. First and foremost I believe that in order to understand Majik you have to first expand your consciousness by letting go of your attachment to this three-dimensional reality.

The most Majikal experience in life is witnessing the first breath of a newborn babe. That first breath is that one second of innocence born into this existence. As we mature and gather knowledge we lose that innocence. Everything we know and believe to be true, we have been taught by our parents, caretakers, and/or mentors in this lifetime. From our very first breath we were labeled, “baby boy or girl” and then we were given our name(s), another label and these are labels that define who we are and what our potential roles will be in life. We came to know that when we were hungry we needed to eat food and all of that we learned from those around us. Everything thing we see, hear or touch we were told by someone else the label that applied to it, I mean everything. Science has its own approach as well as Religion and Metaphysics, but still, these are all based on opinions passed down from generation to generation. Sometimes theories are proven wrong and then we believe in the new story but we still make the choice what we will believe. Unfortunately, some of us tend to hold on tightly to what we believe and try to force our beliefs onto others. Majik is about letting go of what we think we know and learn how to be more intimate with the Universe and its natural laws.

The labels affecting us most are the ones we first acquired which are what sex we are, who we are and where we come from, sexism, racism, classism. When people see me one of the first questions I will be asked is where do I come from? Sometimes I just want to walk away but I can see in their eyes that it has some meaning to them so I engage in that conversation. What I really want to say is that it is not important, that we are all here now and we have made this our home because I am so far removed from where my grandparents originated from and they were torn from their original country because of slavery so this conversation is really mute. But I don’t want to be a drama queen so I engage in the conversation they expect from me but I know one day that well is going to open and someone is going to experience me ranting on about this (but in a gentle way).

That brings up another barrier to Majik; the need to be who and what we are expected to be. We have so conformed to the roles given us and try so hard to live up to them. Some of us are in fear of exploring other areas or speaking our minds about the simplest things in our lives. Religion is one area where people may become stuck and have a great fear of moving away from even though they really don’t approve of the beliefs of the institute that they have been raised to be a part of. This can also apply to relationships and the need to stay in a situation that may be volatile because of what you have chosen to believe. Remember these are always your choice, even though someone else may have impressed these beliefs upon you, you are choosing to hold on to them. Sometimes it’s a fear of moving out of our comfort zone or it may be the child mind that learned too well to believe that certain groups or individuals had the right to force their beliefs upon us. Also, we may believe that it is our responsibility to suffer over the choices we have made. Remember choices give you the opportunity to explore different experiences in life so you can learn. To grow we have to be willing to move on once we have learned our lesson or we may end up on the wrong end of a situation that does not serve us well. When you feel you have sorted yourself out on some level always think of what’s ahead of you of what the next step is because what is behind you was put there to position you to continue to move forward, like the step of a staircase and you have to keep moving upwards. Sometimes it may be just a thought that we have been ignoring but is connected to our deepest desire. Just taking the one step may open the way for more opportunities more aide, to open that door fully. This is when Majik happens when we surrender our fears and take that step.

For me, Majik occurs by letting go, and if you can read the aforementioned and begin to let go of any rigid belief that you are holding on to then you are taking the first step to understanding Majik. This is just the first in a series of articles I will be writing on Majik as I wish to give anyone interested time to process and maybe do the work on taking the first step. If you need help, ask for it, the Universe is there to serve you.

Creating Sacred Space

" If in any way we ignore the fact that we attracted this situation into our lives and we have control of it when we let go and just be, then we don't become the drama"

The past few months I have been focusing on being at one with my inner peace. With strong intentions when I begin to drift into those shady places I bring myself back. Very consciously I visualize symbols of peace around me and breathe them throughout my five lower bodies. I find myself spending more time with me. The past few weeks have been challenging and I found myself struggling to keep my space clean. Today was even more intense and in the middle of probably my worst struggle of all for some time I got it. This thought floated through my mental space "If you treat yourself as the Goddess/God that you are, then you will always feel good about who you are." I stopped beating myself up and smiled and then laughed. It was just that easy!

Wow! I thought after all these years it was just that simple. But it really isn't that simple just being who we are or who we see yourself becoming. We get so caught up in the drama around us and it is so addictive and our mirror gets foggy. We start taking in the attitude and actions of others and next thing we know, we are the drama. If in any way we ignore the fact that we attracted this situation into our lives and we have control of it when we let go and just be then we don't become the drama. No one can pull us into it or make it happen, we make the choice to let our emotions become a part of it and we vibrate our energy with it and become immersed in it once again. It can only happen if we let it, whatever the "it" may be in your life.

So now I am fighting my way out of some bad habits I have picked up over the past six years living in Surrey. It feels good like I just walked away from a prison sentence, which it is only my emotions were the bars holding me back. I know this is going to create big change in my life and believe me I am open to it. This comes at a good time as I am manifesting a new home or a big change in homelife and holding a peaceful space with make it even more welcome

I was just thinking of how much programming we are exposed to if we have a t.v.

I hear messages of not being safe in the home because of falling or break-ins, or using the wrong products or not using the right products. Not being safe in the street unless using a certain product, My car isn't safe unless I purchase certain products, My children, and my neighborhood are not safe. The air I breathe and the food I consume may not be safe. A constant flow of negative programming streaming in from the media to support the financial needs of those that keep the media thriving. In my work, I have come across so many people who are afraid to break the "rules" of society that they choose to believe and although the only outcome may be their neighbors or community may not approve they are fearful. They are in dread that someone may find out their children have done something that the community may scorn them for.

This fear-based society that we live in presents a huge problem for us as individuals. When we don't monitor the programs our children are watching they may become a victim of this fear-based programming. We ourselves are victims because if we watch t.v. for even an hour a day we are exposed to it. How often have you gone out looking for a certain product because you saw it on t.v. or heard it could help you in some way have a better life. How often have you spent money on something that proved worthless in the end? Maybe you decide to have a healthier lifestyle and invest in a high-end juicer, and supplements or some other electrical gadget to make life easier that sits in a cupboard somewhere in your home. Hmmm sounds familiar to me.

I believe that the biggest problem is that so many of us do not realize that we have bitten into the whims of the media, that we have become pawns to the needs of this fear-based life we are living. When we internalize fear it manifests itself as dysease within the body. I believe that many of the chronic illness we are experiencing in society is a by-product of fear based thinking. I also think that the "attitude" of our children is being influenced by the violent online games they become addicted to and the imaging of the glamorous people in the media. Even reality tv is damaging as it depicts a small percentage of lifestyles of a small group. We still bite into it and although it is mostly staged how many of us believe it to be real.

So what is real? Well, that's easy, your life is reality and tv and what the media offers is an escape from your reality. You make your reality what it is based on what you choose to believe and thereby attract into your space. Your self-talk (all those crazy thoughts you might ignore) is the mechanics that create the energy you attract into your life. Yes, all that background underlying stuff does affect your life and what happens in it. If you really want to change your mind then listen carefully to those thoughts and turn them around. Don't let your made up fears rule your world and what you believe your reality to be.

Imagine a world made up of your deepest desires and passions without the fear attached to it. The fear of success or failure, the fear of being noticed, the fear of being different, the fear of being broke or not having enough. We each have our own sack of stuff that we make excuses around that are our own fears. What if for one hour a day we picked one fear and turned it around, wrapped it in positive thoughts and saw them for what they really are. We change our mind about who we are in relation to what we are fearing. We take charge of our fears and move through them one at a time and as often as we need. Just one hour away from the tv or phone or computer unless we need to write or use some creative method of dealing with the fears. My outlet is writing. What could yours be?

Making Choices in the Moment

I had a vivid lucid dream the other night and I am sure it was the result of a free workshop that I was participating in hosted by Deepak Chopra's introductory course to his online workshop " "Synchrodestiny ". Last week before participating in the online intro workshop I watched a show about the swamps of Florida and swamp men hunting alligators, and giant cobras and one guy actually caught a giant pirana which they called a puca with adult-sized teeth. I thought about my father and how he loved fishing and how I felt regret about not learning how to fish That night in my Dreamtime I was thinking the thought about regretting not learning how to fish and then I was beside a lake which I knew was full of fish and I had a fishing rod in my hand and someone asked if I need help and I said no and I prepared the rod and threw it into the lake and I felt the pull on my line. I could actually feel myself reeling the fish in. I felt so proud of myself and so connected with my father.

My intent is always to reach another level of awareness on my journey. I accomplish this by letting go of "stuff": emotions, ego, expectations, disappointments, anger, frustrations. All the heaviness that keeps me stuck in patterns I acknowledge their existence in my space and then I strive to raise my energy above what is holding me down. I usually apply several techniques to move through things. I listen to recordings which I take the time to make that guide me away from my stuff, sometimes I use the resources on the internet also I love some of the binaural beats which can be easily found on Youtube. I meditate and move energy throughout my body, lightening up those dark areas. I change my self-talk with the use of intention. I walk, stretch, exercise to move energy that weighs me down. Diet is also very important in letting go. I drink more water and eat less meat and add a lot more greens to my daily intake.

It's surprising how the toxic people seem to disappear as my energy starts to peak. I do become more sensitive to energies and my environment in general. A lot of times I prefer to be by myself, not alone because I can be my own best company at the best of times. I have many creative outlets so I do entertain myself. I am open to the company of anyone who can hold their space and are on a like-minded level and desire companionship; friend, lover, brother, sister, whatever. I consider everyone I connect with as my teacher and pay great attention to the lessons awarded me. I am grateful for the gifts that I received from everyone that has been a part of my life in any way.

Right this moment I am struggling with a situation that is resulting from having to share yard space with someone who brought a dog into the space and does not clean up after it. I lost my temper but I feel I needed to vent because after hearing "I'll take care of it" 3 or 4 times, it gets to be frustrating. All I want is for the dog to be taken out for walks to do her business so the children who live upstairs are not walking barefoot in dog mess. The owner of the dog does not want to take responsibility so I vent. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do until you get that you are creating your own misery by the way you are reacting, I must admit that it felt good to vent and get it out of my system and the dog is still running free doing her mess in the yard. At this time I have to let go of the frustration and accept that I did put out my intent while venting and hope for the best. I can only control my space and my emotions and the dog does what a dog does. Other people live by their own standards and either I accept it and not use the yard or know I have put out my intent and expect the best to happen. I choose the latter.

Again I have been presented with a situation that moved me out of my center. I also just listened to Deepak Chopra's last installment of his free introduction to his online workshop " Synchrodestiny", and what stuck out for me was when he shared that he has been working on this material for decades. I can relate to that and at that moment I realized that I had the tools necessary to pull myself right out of all the family drama. So that is exactly what I did. Living in the drama for the past 6 years and at some point making a choice to be a part of it ends right now. I breathe deeply and with ease and I feel good about this decision. I can actually see a new path opening for me and I know it is the more peace and adventure that I seek.

Every day and every situation is a lesson to be learned and lived. When we realize this life becomes the University that it is and we immerse our self into being students and learning the hard way or the easy way. Letting go of needing to blame others for our life situation is an easier path to enlightenment. By always giving our self choices we empower our self to let go and not be a victim in life. So I continue to write to keep things light and airy in my space.

Hold On!: - Life is good

We are all powerful beings although we often do not see or recognize our-self as such.

We all have our strengths, things that we are good at but we also have weaknesses. I believe that we have accomplished something in our lives that we felt we could not achieve. No matter how small it may seem to be right now just for this moment accept it as a success in your life. There has to be a moment in your existence when you told yourself “ Gee I never really thought I could get here, or do this” or some similar response.

Now if only we could hold on to those moments; trap them within our-self and pull them out when we need a good kick n the butt. But who says we can't? Just follow along as I ponder on this based on my own life experiences. Now can you recall the first time ever that you felt depressed? Unhappy? Sad? I bet you that this is an easy place to remember (more than likely easier to feel than your last moment of success) and for many of us familiar. I think depression is a chronic illness that drags sad and unhappy along with it and disappointment, and frustration are close behind. You may have your own personal stragglers that follow along this path also as I do. It is so much easier to move into this mood because sometimes we are so unaware that we go there. Depression is like comfort food, we know it may not be good for us for so many reasons but what the heck, we indulge anyway.

Depression is a state of being that I have great respect for because if you let it grab you by the nose and pull you through you will find yourself swimming in some rather murky, gooey waters. The one good thing about it is that it is one of those things that we choose to attach our-self to, kind of like our other addictions so trust me there is always a choice with any addiction no matter how hard it may seem.. It's funny I see people who say they are depressed and after speaking with them I may find out that they have some type of addiction, let's say alcohol, or marijuana or maybe both which may be either a cause of their state of being or a byproduct. An addict may be in great denial and refer to them self as a social drinker/ smoker and may be eager to point out others that are alcoholics and never seeing there own addictive behaviour. This could be anyone from any walk of life, from a social drop out to anything in between or a hard working person making good money and never really getting anywhere because they have directed their passion to their addiction and that which they have not accomplished in their lives.

Now I am going to run amok and paint a scenario of an addictive personality which many of us have.
So let's say we are dealing with a drinker and a marijuana smoker combo being a person who drinks every day and has to smoke a few joints per day. This could also be someone addicted to emotional drama, material possessions, food, sex, you name your game as you see fit. Now we all have our levels of functioning and we have different lives to live. So this person has a regular routine and functions well within it. Usually, they are in lack emotionally maybe focusing a lot of attention to the past and how hard their life was and maybe trying to reach out for what they think they have missed in their lives. So as they say you get what you put out and struggling becomes the theme of their existence and they attract more of what they are lacking(bringing back visions of my past now). Usually, they find someone or something to blame their neediness on and may convince them self this is a valid reason for being depressed, addicted, unhappy frustrated, etc.

Well yeah, been there done that for some time. Then one day, maybe 3 decades ago I actually heard and got a message from several sources, “don't allow yourself to be depressed for more than that fifteen minutes; after that focus your attention on something else.” I tried it and I had to redirect my attention several times but after awhile I began to forget to be depressed because I was too busy doing something else. Funny how that works! I dare you to try it out and let me know or maybe I am just that weird that it worked for me, Anyway it is a technique that I still use to climb out of the dumps. If you are really struggling, I suggest you get help from some type of professional because honestly, I work every day on my stuff just to stay afloat. I think that as long as I live I will be a participant in this school of life. I have been in the Wellness business for many decades and have a trunk full of gifts that I work with (very compressed one at that) and although I don't preach to everyone but I do enjoy writing my thoughts down and sharing. This is also a great way to move those ever-flowing stream of thoughts, write or preach if you may, just get things moving away from you. Stop holding on to heavy thoughts and ideas, learn to move yourself up and away from them (in your mind's eye literally) rise above them and learn to breathe in deep into your soul. Try walking in nature at least three days a week, find a park or plot of grass, garden or tree to connect with if you have to as nature is truly the Universes healing force. These are things that really work for me the best is walking in a forest for at least an hour. This brings me to a place of peace within that stays with me for days (a few hours in greenery or by water).


I am proud to be a student in the University of Life and I know that every day is a lesson in living. I work towards leaving struggles behind me and making the way for more light and love. I am once again focusing on a drama free life to leave room for more joy and passion. It is a challenge with so much family and friends around but the best things we can do for each is other is to not bite into each other stress and worry. Share good times with each other and respect each other's space. Remember who you are in that place of quiet and hold on to that. Life is good

A Passion for Success

What thoughts will run through your mind when you contemplate the past year to yourself. How will you feel? Where will these memories take you? What was your biggest blessing? How have you affected others in your life for the past year?

How do these questions affect you as you read them? Do you feel as though you were taken on a ride over the past year or have you accomplished some preset goals that you made for yourself? We are what and who we think we are and we live what we believe. We may set goals to reach and sometimes they happen and sometimes sh_t happens. So how do we avoid the latter from happening?

It really is true that we live what we think. We may believe that we are putting forth the energy we need to manifest in our lives but when was the last time you stopped to listen to the nagging voice in the background of your mind? For instance, maybe you walk past a store and see something that you really like and have wanted for a while on sale. Your first instinct is to go in and buy it, but that little voice from nowhere starts in on you ”You can't afford it, It won't look good on you, you are too fat today. You don't really need it.” and so forth and so on. But then maybe its an opportunity that presents itself through an acquaintance when you least expect it to and the volume goes up on the background gibberish in your mind “I am not really prepared for this right now. He may think my idea is crazy. She probably does not want to be bothered right now. Self-sabotage is so common and the source is always our insecurities.

We can blame it on karma, the past, someone or something else but it's like a boomerang, it will always come back to you. First of all, have gratitude for what you have accomplished over the past year no matter how menial you may think it is. No matter how small it is the little things that matter and make a difference. We can pass these moments of insecurity off as little things but it may be these little things that are keeping us from accomplishing that one big thing that we have on our minds. If we have a passion for something, we must not allow these little thoughts that have stopped us before to get in the way. When we allow our passion to take over it creates a flow that allows us to move almost effortlessly to what we desire.

The only way to move past these little moments is to find a way to nip them in the bud at the source. You can only address them in the Now moment. Your insecurities are based on your Root chakra which is an energy disc located around the lower back between the hips. See this area as a comforting red color and breath into it. When you hear that nagging or feel the emotion that comes with it, change the feeling to a more uplifting or successful feeling and turn that thought around. The message you send in there is” I am worthy and I deserve this right now.” and use this message as a mantra to manifest all that you desire. Take your passions like a bull by the horns and direct them with the energy of success. Make this new year, a year of more success in your life.

What Dreams Are Made Of

How do you live your life without experiencing your dreams? How do you integrate your passions into your material world? When do you make decisions of paying a fat mortgage, never-ending car payments, designer clothes, the latest new gadgets over spiritual gratification? How do you bring yourself back from getting so tightly wrapped into that spiral of trying to find satisfaction in the material world? When do we stop and follow our dreams?

Many of us work really hard to have the things that are important for us in our lives. Sometimes we become so focused on what we have to do that we forget about our passions. We may go on day in and day out determined to maintain our everyday routine because it fulfills our material manifestations. We may be dying inside every day and ignoring it because everything on the outside is taken care of. One day someone like me, for instance, may ask you “Why are you struggling so much doing something that does not make you happy?” The answer I usually get is the same. “I am doing this because it gives me enough money to pay my bills and take care of my life and if I don't do this, if I follow my passions my material world will fall apart.” Now, this really is being stuck between a rock and a hard thing. But this is also a very familiar place for most of us.

I have witnessed people whose lives begin to fall into pieces, and they keep patching the pieces together; holding on to the strings of what they need to do to survive. They may become stressed and worn from patching their lives together but they keep holding on to those strings, tying knots and praying for their lives to get better. The older a person is and the more responsibility they have taken on seems to secure the anchor that holds them in these patterns.

Sometimes they share their dreams with me, dreams that they have pushed aside because they have convinced them self that they cannot move on and pick up the dream where they left off lifetimes ago. It is when they truly feel that this is their duty, their responsibility that they become so ingrained in being that person. They feel that they will let everyone down who depends upon them if they stop for a minute to actually look at the possibility of doing something else.

My question is, “How do you live your life without experiencing your dreams?” Why make it so difficult to find and have more joy in your life. How dare you make your family or any part of your life an excuse for not opening up to the creative forces within you. When did having a hobby become obsolete? I remember a time when having a hobby was normal and encouraged. I remember my mother as a single parent used to buy my brothers miniature models, fish, turtles, and sports and other boy things to spark their interest. With us girls, she gave books to read, taught us how to knit and crochet, encourage us to sew and cook and lessons in skating and swimming. She taught us all card games and board games always working towards keeping our hands busy and our minds open.

How do you walk away from that much creativity as a child and become an adult with no outside interest besides working and having a beer and watching TV.? What makes your curiosity blank out completely and keep you stuck in thinking you cannot express your creative desires because you are grown and busy? Have you become your father or mother or the father or mother that you never had. Are you trying to prove something to yourself? Where did your passion go, where is it hiding?

What were your dreams made of in that long ago time? Can you still see them, touch them, feel them? If you can then it is so easy to get up and do them. It just takes one thought to follow through with just one time. Let go and see where it takes you.

Trust Me?...

To be true in a relationship, one must be true to the very heart of who they are. When we fall in love we want to give our all and more to that other. We want to commit to this one being and be there for them in all ways. We expect trust and honesty and nothing less.

Balance Unconditional Love(picture)

Alas, but fate may have other plans in store for us because one day the unthinkable occurs. True love has deceived us and our whole world has fallen apart and we are heartbroken and devastated! It may not be true love but a friend, our health, or some other life circumstances that we committed our self to that went sour suddenly. Our world comes crashing down around us and we now find it almost impossible to find solid ground to stand upon.

But first, there is the deep disappointment to deal with and the fear, anger, hurt, confusion, and the doubt and shame. It's funny how we can turn something so beautiful as love and/or passion and allow it to become so many other unloving emotions by just one bad thought. But when we are in the midst of our sorrow we are not thinking of what we are doing to our self, but only of how we got here and usually of who or what turned us in this direction. Now we are no longer in trust and when we continue on this path we move into a very insecure foundation for the relationship(s) to operate on. So now we are trusting ourselves less because Trust demands a one hundred percent commitment in order to be present at its very best in the Now Moment.

But who is not Trusting who? It is it me or you, or them or maybe my whole world will fall out of Trust and nothing will ever be the same. At this point, I must say that I am so glad that I have six decades of experience to cushion me in those moments and the good thing about this is that you may believe me when I say that it gets easier in time. But whatever you believe let me not leave you hanging and I will continue with this scenario. So Trust has taken a walk, stage left out of our lives and our world is crashing all around us.

Now we may need someone to blame for the way we are choosing to feel or react to because of what had knocked us off our feet. We may think or believe that by directing anger and hurt toward someone else, that they will actually see how we feel and maybe change things back to some sense of normality. But it is the belief that they have done me wrong that has brought me to this place with no Trust. Without Trust comes a lot of sadness, drama, depression, blame, dysfunctions, addictions etc. The only problem with moving away from Trust is that we now do not trust our self so we now carry doubt very close to us as we attempt to look for answers.

The funny thing about holding on to any limited emotion is that we take our self back into our past and connect with every moment that we felt this way. If we are fragile enough, we may then begin to judge our life by what we are feeling. If we continue to see the relationship that we are dealing with through these eyes, it will obviously begin to crumble. We have chosen a crooked path to walk upon.

Now we are really in a dump and maybe feeling justified to be in this hole we are digging. (Right now I feel as though I used to be so good at beating myself up because this is so easy to share and remember.) Things may even get worse depending on the mental state one is in when experiencing being deceived. So there are a few things I have learned over the years that I must now share. Just see this as food for thought. Feel free to agree or disagree at any time.

First and most important: When we feel hurt the first thing we do is look for someone to blame for our feelings. Never do we stop to think about how “our feelings” can only be created or felt by us and only us. We seek out the object of our blame with the only intention being to make them see, and/or understand how we feel. An impossible mission but one we all attempt many times in our life. This is the point where we are headed down a one way street with a dead end but human nature, being what it is, we continue down the dark alley once again. We may consult with good friends and they attempt to understand what is going on and usually project their own version of what they assume we feel. They also may share their life circumstances that accompany the emotions and give advice based on their own life experience.

Remember this, since we have chosen to “feel this way, it will only get better when we choose not to feel this way anymore. When we actually get that the difficulty is not in trusting the other person to be who we expect them to be but to get back to trusting who we are and the choices that we are about to make. All we can do is get input from this other person and maybe get a sense of where they are coming from. If this is the first time a problem has occurred then it may or may not be easier to make choices. There is a place within us that knows on a soul level exactly what is going on at all times with all relationships. We are all human beings on a spiritual journey (or is it the other way around ?). I believe that this journey guides us through situations to help us grow and mature on a spiritual level. We all cannot choose to live on the mountain away from the material existence, that would make life very boring for many of us. So in the real world, we have created, we must learn to trust those deep gut feeling within us.

Another point I need to make is that when we fall in love and somehow put another being on a bit of a pedestal we actually bring our self down. The fluff around love sometimes blinds us a bit as we go through the “honeymoon stage” of relationships. The intensity of the emotions also mushrooms our vision of who this person is. Sometimes we feel so at one with this person that we think we know exactly who they are. We may even ignore those signs that come up, telling our self that they would never do that to us even though their past history may be somewhat daunting. The truth of the matter is that what we are seeing in that person is actually a mirror of who we are becoming. We see our true selves in the love that we share with others or maybe who we wish to be.

So now its time to find some Trust. In order to do this, we have to decide exactly who we are, what we want, and what we are willing to put up with. We may also have to decide how much work we are actually willing to put into a relationship; how much are you willing to commit to? Sometimes you have to be willing to guide and teach the other how to be in a Trusting relationship. We also have to believe completely in our self and our feelings and our sense of what is going on around us. If you cannot find Trust within you, how will you know how to Trust another?

Oh but the one thing I have learned in my sixty plus years is that I bounce, or fly, or swim and sometimes do the unimaginable without a thought. I have learned to trust the Universe and know that she puts many lessons before me. All the people that I have fallen out with have taught me my greatest lessons in life. The greatest gift I can give myself is to hold them in the light and send them love. The only healthy way to get out of a broken heart or heartbreaking disappointment is to take full responsibility for your emotions and bite the bullet and move forward. Try to understand the strength that you have gained from your experience and the value it has added to you in your life.

Should I or Shouldn’t I

Intention – plan of action; purpose either immediate or ultimate – Webster’s Dictionary

I believe that most of us pass our days by with well meaning intentions but I wonder how often we really get what we actually started out to manifest from the jump?

Seriously, I spend too much of my time in self discovery and I come up with this crazy mind bending stuff and decide to document it and share it. I really have to laugh at myself (lol). Still I realize that I need to refocus my intentions now and this is just a way for me to formulate a plan of action. Since I changed my diet, lost weight and improved my health over the past few months or at least since my blog post on May 7, 2016 http://www.womynsspirituality.com/stories.php from my website Womyns Spirituality, I am actually finally understanding how much I needed to struggle in my life. I chose a tough path to walk when I came onto this plane but there certainly is no need to begrudge myself of an easy flowing life now. Not gonna beat myself up though because I also see how who I was; made me who I am and that is not a bad thing for me.


So after observing the physical, emotional, energetic, and psychic energy and effort that I used to support my journey when I made the commitment to improve my health; provides what is needed for me to refocus in the right direction now. Since I am successful in shifting my health issues around (read the aforementioned article please) I can now move forward with other intentions using the same formula, methods, techniques, whatever they are, to move another aspect of my life into the “flow”. Really, self discovery is a true gem, and has the scent of newly opened roses on a bush in the warm summer breeze. Hmmm. I think it is also soft like the petals of a rose and bright and shiny like a multifaceted diamond and warm as hot sunny day. If you can see the roses and shiny diamonds and smell the delicious scent of the rose and see and feel the beauty of the sun slowly melting beyond the horizon, then you have a very important part of the formula of manifesting ones desires into reality.


It’s the passion and discipline that I put into staying on track with my diet and releasing about eighty percent of my uncontrolled thoughts that resulted in a successful mission. Well, it’s probably the same type of regime that I used to overcome Graves Dysease and Congestive Heart Failure a few years back. Dedication to the cause, to the outcome is essential. An attitude of gratitude and compassion for myself and my environment is also key. It is so true that one’s environment is but a reflection of one’s inner world. Therefore, the truth must be that if you decide that you are and deserve to embrace inner peace and gratification you also start to attract that in you outer environment. Believe me I have made many boo boos by putting out intention and then adding fear, doubt, frustration or some other adverse emotion into the formula and wonder why I attract more of what I have (and am trying to get rid of usually lol)


Gee the healthier I get, the more empowered I become and the more humbled I feel. I think that the more my ego shrinks the closer I become to the little girl in me and I feel like I just need to chill; about everything. So I can boldly say that I got more than I bargained for and I still want more peace and contentment that comes along with feeling better about me and pampering me towards better health and a better life. Again I have to laugh at myself as I unwind my mind like a ball of yarn that is a bit tangled (lol}. Now I have to go into my peaceful place and rest my brain and play some music for a while until those thoughts begin to spin and I once again release..

Cheers!..

Living in the Now and Letting Go of the Then

Having balance is very important in staying healthy in general for all of us. We balance our diet, work and play, relationships, healthy living, finances, emotions and more. We are constantly walking that thin line “between love and hate” on a daily basis.

When I decided to overcome my chronic ails, I also had to make the choice to no longer allow my insecurities and doubts to devour me and thereby rule my existence. It came to light that I had so successfully pushed my cannibalistic thoughts deep down into my mind and that they were affecting me in my every day world. The chronic pain and illness, and constant thinking was taking away from me energetically and weakening me, slowing my forward movement.

My objective was to change my environment so that it embraced the atmosphere of the sacredness that I experienced when I lived on the Sunshine Coast. It was there living in a cabin under the trees by the beach surrounded by nature that I embraced the Wyse Womyn healer within. At the moment that I had the thought that I felt this was lost to me was when I realized that It was my inner environment that needed changing. It was that “light that goes on” when you hit truth. The Wyse Womyn still existed, but it was all the clutter that I was hoarding that was interfering with my relationship with her.

Living in the city was quite a culture shock and I had become more involved in my outer world than I was used to while living on the Coast. There were so many distractions to pull me away from my place of peace and sacredness. I had accustomed myself to being more focused on the material world and the struggle of white collar society.

I must admit that living in the big city (Vancouver Lower Mainland et.al.) and dealing with the trials and tribulations and becoming wrapped up in everyday struggle with everyone else has strengthened me in ways that were necessary. I have overcome a lot of family issues just by being here and making myself available and that has shifted me in a big way. I now have the “Lady Balls” to speak up and deal with things that I used to let just move past me. I also have a clearer insight to things that used to elude me.

The big bonus is that I have cleared so much mental interference and this has allowed my energy to transcend so I am now a vessel for channeling some pretty powerful energy sources. All in all I truly have become a better person by dealing with the material world on a bigger scale. I am so prepared for whatever is to come my way. The Universe only puts before you what you can handle and I am confident that I can handle quite a load at this time.

My challenge right now is balancing my thoughts. I am successfully eliminating the negatives, the “I can’t” and “what ifs” thoughts and replacing them with the energy of love and acceptance. I know that I have to be persistent and teach myself to no longer accept the debilitating string of mental interference that holds me back. The more I release the easier it becomes to stay in the flow and release my attachment to the “then” and live fully in the “now”.

Walking in Darkness

So the last post I wrote ended with a comment of me overcoming some chronic illnesses in my life. Unfortunately, I have allowed a few labels to be placed upon me by the medical profession to explain the aftermath of very traumatic medical experience in my life. So let me first recap and go back a few years, and bring you all up to speed.

I was admitted to the hospital with Graves Dysease (hyperthyroidism) in 2002. During my admittance I was informed that I was in the final stages and at the point where my internal organs were beginning to shut down (as was told by the admittance nurse in the hospital). I actually collapsed on my way into the hospital and was put in a wheel chair as I answered the necessary questions. I have little recollection of much as time blurred in and out for me for a couple of days.

Now how did I get here in this dire state of being? How did I not realize how sick I was? This is how I remember it in my faded memory. I recall not feeling right, a little more nervous than usual. I believe I let that voice in my head take control because I had lost control of my sensibility. Graves’s dysease is about hyperactivity in the thyroid and my whole system was a mess of nervous energy.

I walked and walked; something I used to do as a child to get away from the arguing and violence between my parents. I lived in my head at that time. I remember moments of weakness but I would just sit for a while and then continue walking. I lived alone in North Van and I had isolated myself from family and friends. I remember going for a sauna one day and feeling as though my heart was going to bust out of my body. I lay down for a long time, before going back up to my apartment.

That incident was very scary and got me to thinking sensibly for a moment. I realized that something was wrong. Also I was losing control of my bowel movements. I would sit and cry because I did not know what to do. Fortunately it was Christmas time and my family invited me spend the holidays with them in Langley. I made the decision then that I would call a family meeting and tell them about my situation

It was Boxing Day and I had just attempted to walk up the stairs to take a nap. My heart began pumping as though I was in a race. I lied down for a moment and went back downstairs and told my daughter and my niece that I need to go to the hospital. They took me to a clinic the next day and the doctor (who was filling in for another doctor) knew immediately what was wrong with me. He called the hospital to tell them that I was coming in and had my family take me there ASAP . I was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure caused by being in the final stages of Graves Dysease.
I woke up and a very stout nurse with short dark hair was standing over me asking me if I was in pain. I said something like I felt like a truck had run over my chest. She commented that that was what it was like when your heart was a few times larger than normal. She briefed me on how to inject myself with the morphine that was attached to my hand, gave me some water and I drifted off to Neverland.

I felt like I was living in someone else world. I was in a glassed room across the hall from ICU. It was mostly quite at least I think it was. I felt like I just wanted to lie there forever and let everyone around me decide what my life was to be. So what happened to help me mover forward...stay tuned