Monday, May 16, 2016
Walking in Darkness
I was admitted to the hospital with Graves Dysease (hyperthyroidism) in 2002. During my admittance I was informed that I was in the final stages and at the point where my internal organs were beginning to shut down (as was told by the admittance nurse in the hospital). I actually collapsed on my way into the hospital and was put in a wheel chair as I answered the necessary questions. I have little recollection of much as time blurred in and out for me for a couple of days.
Now how did I get here in this dire state of being? How did I not realize how sick I was? This is how I remember it in my faded memory. I recall not feeling right, a little more nervous than usual. I believe I let that voice in my head take control because I had lost control of my sensibility. Graves’s dysease is about hyperactivity in the thyroid and my whole system was a mess of nervous energy.
I walked and walked; something I used to do as a child to get away from the arguing and violence between my parents. I lived in my head at that time. I remember moments of weakness but I would just sit for a while and then continue walking. I lived alone in North Van and I had isolated myself from family and friends. I remember going for a sauna one day and feeling as though my heart was going to bust out of my body. I lay down for a long time, before going back up to my apartment.
That incident was very scary and got me to thinking sensibly for a moment. I realized that something was wrong. Also I was losing control of my bowel movements. I would sit and cry because I did not know what to do. Fortunately it was Christmas time and my family invited me spend the holidays with them in Langley. I made the decision then that I would call a family meeting and tell them about my situation
It was Boxing Day and I had just attempted to walk up the stairs to take a nap. My heart began pumping as though I was in a race. I lied down for a moment and went back downstairs and told my daughter and my niece that I need to go to the hospital. They took me to a clinic the next day and the doctor (who was filling in for another doctor) knew immediately what was wrong with me. He called the hospital to tell them that I was coming in and had my family take me there ASAP . I was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure caused by being in the final stages of Graves Dysease.
I woke up and a very stout nurse with short dark hair was standing over me asking me if I was in pain. I said something like I felt like a truck had run over my chest. She commented that that was what it was like when your heart was a few times larger than normal. She briefed me on how to inject myself with the morphine that was attached to my hand, gave me some water and I drifted off to Neverland.
I felt like I was living in someone else world. I was in a glassed room across the hall from ICU. It was mostly quite at least I think it was. I felt like I just wanted to lie there forever and let everyone around me decide what my life was to be. So what happened to help me mover forward...stay tuned